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July 10, 1997 2:42PM EST RAGEI can feel it seething beneath the surface of my calmly impassive face. It's just sitting there ready to expolde out from a well of tired-ness and frustration and dissatisfaction and just plain old anger at not being what I want to be. My life is so laughably, NOT, everything I kept trying to make it. The rut of corporate America, of normalcy has grabbed me really tightly and I'm so scared of winding up on the street that I won't DO anything about it. I'm spinning around in circles looking for something to break out with and get stuck over and over and over again. The very rut-ness of my life is creating more ruts for me to get stuck in. Even the idea of VACATION is so normal and pat and mainstream that it makes me want to scream. Where could I move, what job could I do that wouldn't have the same elements to it? When did I stop seeing the world as a wonderful place that needed to be explored and put my head down to become a cog in the machinery? Where do I go from here? Yeah, I'm down today. I'm out of my medication and my metabolism is grounding to a halt along with whatever processes in my brain that keep me cheerful. Just let me scream okay? Maybe then I'll feel better. Oh and sabs, don't worry hon. Really. Just pick up my prescription like the nice wonderful guy you are and you'll get your Bethy back before tomorrow morning. |