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July 3, 1997 11:39AM EST The questions: What do I want? and Why can't I be more dynamic? have been swirling through my mind. Or more to the point, there are so MANY things that I want that I can't pin it down to one immediate goal. I wrote about this a few days back. I'm just not being able to focus and my frustration about it is building to the break point. The second question is trickier, it has do with my personality and my background and the vast quantities of self-esteem that I seem to be missing. Once I decide to do something I can be extremely focussed, dedicated and ultimately successful. However, I have to convince myself to do things first. I have no confidence in my abilities when looking at practical applications for them. When interviewing for jobs, I consistently under-sold myself. I guess what I'm saying is that, even if I can identify a few things I want, I don't believe that I'm good enough at them to deserve to do them. Twisted logic huh? Yeah. I depend on other people to believe in me. Why can't I just believe in myself? Why can't I just say, "Yeah, I can do that, let me do it" about more things? Don't get me wrong, I used to be a lot worse. I used to be so scared of people that I wouldn't pay for things at the counter in stores, I'd make my mother do it. Or, if we were ordering out for pizza, I'd get anyone but myself to make that call: I was afraid of the pizza-dispatchers. I call for my own pizza now. But there are other demons that I still can't quite face ... when will I finally be able to face them? |